The Sweetest Sting
by ChibiKanakoNyu
Summary: Behold, the "Don't Wanna Miss a Thing" (blowjob) scene from the movie 'The Sweetest Thing', ZoSan-ified! Starring Zoro and Sanji being the victims of a most unfortunate little accident, Nami bossing everyone around, Vivi (and many more) losing the innocence of their eyes and the rest of the bunch being totally batshit insane! AU for Seven-Bridges, with all my mind-crack.


**The Sweetest Sting**

~oOo~

„I can't _believe_ that buffoon of a security guard actually chased us for four blocks!"

Nami's complaints echoed between the walls of the dark back alley. She was so furious her hair seemed almost electrified (or, well, it could have been the running, too), and she was walking awkwardly in her high-heels along the uneven concrete. Vivi lead her by the arm, trying to soothe her:

"Well, you _did_ steal those gold-plated shoes, you know..."

"But I needed those shoes!" The redhead protested, snapping her head at her friend. "I could barely walk in these ones!"

"I thought you were faking the limping," the blue haired girl blinked at her.

"After all that chasing around," Nami hissed, "not anymore..."

The two girls slowly made their way towards the apartment complex around the corner, with Nami attempting to tiptoe at a decent walking speed, and Vivi having to do the same while supporting her. Though as they noticed red and blue lights spreading from the front entrance, they both were immediately a lot quicker about it.

As they had feared, in front of the tall building, they saw at least two police cars, and a lot more police officers. _What the hell_, Nami thought to herself. She distinctly remembered putting in a good word at the police department regarding Luffy's birthday, in case the idiots she usually referred to as friends made a ruckus. Of course she did; she had been the one who had had to buy captain Smoker that nice (and according to her far too expensive) box of cigars...

"What happened here?" Vivi asked the first man in uniform she laid her eyes on.

Nami could just imagine, judging by the people invited to the birthday party. Luffy alone was enough trouble, but teamed up with Zoro, Usopp and Sanji, with Chopper, Franky and Brook so easily pulled into any kind of silly crap, they might as well have brawled and ended up two floors down in some old lady's bathtub. And there were sure to be other fun-loving and explicitly rowdy characters to wind up...

"Oh, young lady," the man lamented, "after twenty years on the force, I have never seen anythin' so horrible..."

Now that sounded a tad worrying.

Just then, they saw an ambulance turning around the corner, definitely on its way towards them. _Oh no..._

"But what's going on?" Nami cut in, now frightened. "What's the emergency?" _Please don't say apartment 32, please don't say apartment 32, please don't let it be them, please..._

The offices sighed, fumbling with his hat:

"Apartment 32..." _God dammit!_ "The poor blond guy never saw it comin'."

"Blond guy?" Vivi gasped. "Sanji-san?!"

One quick, shocked glance at each other, and the pain in the feet was soon forgotten as both the girls began running past the police and astounded passers-by. They dashed through the front door, up the stairwell, not even bothering to take the elevator, shortly barging into Sanji's apartment.

"Better stay out, ladies, it's not a pretty sight," another officer trying to pacify the crowd stopped them.

"I don't care, he's our friend!" Nami, however, refused to listen, and pushed right past the man, pulling Vivi with her. "Sanji-kun!"

The redhead kicked off her annoying shoes while they squeezed and shoved themselves through the masses of people – friends and strangers – present at the party.

"Ouch, watch it, you bitch! If you dare touch my Luffy...!"

"Sorry, Hancock! Sanji-kun! Where's Sanji-kun?!"

"Joudan janai wa yo! That hurt!"

"Nami, I think I've stepped on someone..."

"Come on, Vivi, let's hurry! Sanji-kun!"

"OW! Nnnnami sis, we've got a situation here! SUUUPER serious!"

"Franky, what's with the police outfit plus speedos? Oh dammit, Johnny and Yosaku, put down that camera!"

"Sanji-san! Where are you, Sanji-san?!"

"Great timing, Navigator-san," Robin's eerily calm voice greeted them in the middle of Sanji's living room, near the bedroom door. "They're in there."

"They?" The redhead raised an eyebrow. "Who? What even happened?!"

"Oh, Nami, Vivi! Come see! It's gross!" Luffy was acting like an excited kindergarten kid, bouncing around and waving to them from the group of people gathered around the door. What was _wrong_ with that guy, at a time like this?!

"Er, Nami-san, Vivi-san, I'm not sure you really wanna..." Luffy's older brother Ace stepped in front of the huffing girls, with a wry smile and hands raised.

"Yeah, just don't... go in there... " Usopp muttered from nearby, his face as pale as the white walls around them.

"Please, just let us through!"

Vivi was the one raising her voice finally, and that was so unlike the timid young woman that Ace had no choice but to step aside, shrugging:

"Okay, your call..."

However, after squeezing themselves past a couple more guests and cops, an entirely different sound escaped the blue-hair. Upon being able to see inside the room, she shrieked out loud while flailing her arms at her head, and then tried to hide behind Nami's back, covering her face. Though she wasn't as pale as when they had seen the police cars outside. Oh no, quite the contrary: her face was as red as a tomato.

"Oh my God...!" Is all Nami could squeeze out, her eyes almost popping out of her skull and her face also gaining a more reddish hue.

Nobody could blame them, really, for what they saw on Sanji's bed was shocking in more ways. That Sanji was on his own bed wouldn't have been that surprising in itself. But being on his bed on hands and knees, butt naked except for his blue, heart-patterned boxers around his right ankle, on top of a similarly nude Zoro – going by his green hair peeking forth from behind Sanji's ass –, with the swordsman's dick in his mouth balls deep...

Now _that_ was a shocker.

"Oh, for fuck's sake..." It indeed was Zoro grumbling from under the cook's crotch, trying to stretch his neck out enough to glare at the two startled girls. "Welcome to the fucking party, just in time for the show!"

Sanji, as it seemed, would have loved to speak, raising up one hand carefully and waving it in a dismissive gesture. He whimpered with tears in his eyes, since he was not able to form any apologetic and explanatory words with Zoro's cock throat-deep. So he plowed his fist against the mattress instead, and kicked Zoro's head so conveniently positioned between his legs.

"Ow, you fucking dart-brow, what was that for?!"

Some muffled, spitting gestures came as an answer from the blond, who was trying to turn to throw a death-glare at the green-head. His attempt, though, caused them both to groan in pain.

"Sanji...? Zoro...?" However horrified and astonished Nami was, she found herself snickering. Really, seeing the two idiots, always out to tear out each other's guts, caught in the middle of a round of sixty-nine was simply priceless. "Ahem," she tried to put on a serious face. "What happened? Are you guys okay...?"

"T-they seem to be stuck, Nami-san..." Coby spoke up from her right, his voice shivering. Tough luck for the poor young officer to be sent out to see something like the very elegant display in front of them that night...

"'Stuck'? What do you mean 'stuck'?" Vivi barely even dared to ask, still not trying to look.

"Sanji-kun, are you all right?" The redhead stepped closer, and Zoro was more embarrassed to have her between his legs, too, than she was while kneeling down to the blond.

The cook was trying to mumble something again as the girl patted his head. His lovestruck expression really wasn't appropriate in his situation, with the marimo's legs at his ears and his balls at his nose...

"Would you quit flirting with my dick in your mouth, you damn pervert?!" Zoro shoved his thigh into Sanji's cheek, to which the blond gave a grunt, and did probably something more drastic than a kick. "Ouch! Fuck, don't bite or I'll kill you, shitty cook!"

"Could you two just stop fighting for a second?!" Nami would have none of their bullshit bickering. "Just tell me something: how did you get stuck?"

"I uh... " Zoro spoke up hesitantly, then sighed. "I have a piercing."

The red haired girl's face twisted in agony at the image, and outcries of shock and hisses of imaginary pain rose from behind her.

"Actually..." The green-head added, seemingly a little braver this time. "I've got _three_."

"_Uuuugh!_" Nami went blue in the face and fell into sitting on the floor. Luffy looked as if he had eaten a muddy gumshoe, Coby's face suggested he was about to cry, Brook spun around on tiptoes, yodeling _'yohohoho'_, and a loud thud in the distance signified that Usopp fainted.

_Damn ouch!_

"OWW, bro, that's SUPER not SUPER!" Franky scratched his head, and in brotherly sympathy, shoved his large palm into Yosaku's camera lens. "But where the hell is Cook bro stuck now? Don't get it, yanno!"

"At the tonsils, I believe," Robin explained from next to him, with a cup of coffee in her one hand and a small plate resting on the other. She was sipping the black liquid as if she had been amidst the calmest and the most civilized tea party ever.

"Whoa! How do you know?" The big guy with the electric blue 'do stared over at her, bewildered. However, the archeologist only responded with a knowing chuckle, smiling enigmatically into her cup.

There was a commotion among the crowd at the back, and soon a fuzzy head of brown hair barged through the masses of people. Chopper was dressed in a proper ambulance man's uniform, too, and looked rather serious, albeit not really glancing at the two idiots on the bed. Screaming with fear and then with anger when seeing them stuck like that for the first time had had its results.

"The guys downstairs are ready for surgery, we should get going!" His high-pitched, child-like voice was grave as he made the announcement, while forcing his way into the room and to the foot of the bed. "Can anyone give me a hand here?"

"What?! NO WAY!" Zoro sat up as much as he could without hitting his nose into Sanji's limp cock, and the cook's incoherent mumbling seemed to agree, his fingers clutching the bedsheets.

"No-no, wait a second, Chopper!" Nami stood from the floor with some help from Vivi. "Let's just try to... you know, pull them apart."

"But we already did," the little doctor-in-training protested. "It's no use, Nami!"

"Yeah, and it hurts like fucking hell!" The green-hair shook his head.

"Do you want your dick chopped off or something?!" Nami glared at the swordsman, then turned back to Chopper. "Let's just give it one more go, okay?" The redhead persisted, to which the short teen just sighed and nodded.

"I'll help, too!" Vivi volunteered, gathering herself, and while she moved to Sanji's left side to put her hands on his shoulder, Chopper grabbed a hold of the blond's right one.

"Good..." Nami took a breath, and held onto Zoro's knees. "So let's just pull... Carefully."

On a count of three, they gave their best attempt to take Sanji and Zoro apart. However, the moment Vivi and Chopper moved the cook back just half a centimeter, both him and the green haired man beneath him started to bellow with pain.

"Okay, different plan, different plan!" The redhead let go quickly, her two helpers following. She stepped back a little, deep in thought for a minute.

"Nami-san, Nami-san, I have an excellent idea~!" She turned to find Brook demanding way into the bedroom, waving to her.

"What is it?" The girl asked quickly, with everyone else joining in, like in some sort of cheesy comedy.

"Sanji-san could sing!" The musician suggested, with his index finger raised high.

"Yes, he could sing!" Repeated the crowd, though they had no clue why.

"Singing always loosens my throat!" The tall man explained, before adding: "Even though I don't have a throat, yohohohoho! Skull Joke!"

Brook's second job, working in the Halloween theme park 'Thriller Bark' as a skeleton sort of grew on him...

"That's a good idea!" Vivi nodded. "Sanji-san, how about the song you sang on Kaya-chan's birthday? Umm, how did it go...?" She thought for a second. "Wait I got it: _Ote o douzo, Honey~_"

"_Boku no Romantic Dinner eeee~~ yokoso!_" Brook chimed in to help, with a most fitting accompaniment of Franky's ukulele.

"No, stop it!" The swordsman called. "I'm gonna throw up and get hard again at the same time!"

That comment did fulfill its purpose to halt the singing. Though as a tiny side-effect, it also brought with it dead silence and at least fifty flabbergasted stares from the people surrounding him. (That was, until Luffy shoved his elbow into Ace's side, asking him in a hushed voice what the fuss was all about...)

"What are you looking at?! Hey, ow!" And of course, it earned Zoro a few sharp blows from Sanji's heels to wherever he could reach.

"Ooookay, then um... A different song?" Vivi suggested with an awkward little laugh.

"Did you say song?!" Lola, a large, pink-haired girl broke – and squished, and smashed – her way through the people at the door. "Bink's Sake! Who wants to sing Bink's Sake?!"

"I do! Yohohoho!" Brook raised his hand, then as if out of nowhere, he promptly produced his violin, and immediately started playing the aforementioned song.

Nami just sighed at the whole ruckus, not seeing too much sense in the whole idea. But then she knelt down to Sanji (and unfortunately to Zoro's crotch, too), and smiled at him encouragingly, patting his hand. The poor blond looked positively about to sob. Or to bite Zoro's cock off himself. Or both.

"Come on, Sanji-kun, try singing along!" She suggested him, and to try and help, she, too, began to sing with the lyrics Brook began shortly.

It almost felt like a cozy birthday party among friends: everyone singing along with the evergreen tune they all loved, standing in a messy circle around the bedroom. Johnny and Yosaku put their arms around their shoulders as they sang, Bon Clay danced in neat pirouettes in the middle of the living room, and Usopp got to his senses just in time to let his masterful musical talents show, matching the stylishness of Franky's ukulele skills. Hell, Ace even held up his two lighters to swing them to the rhythm.

It would have been perfectly heart-warming, if it weren't for Sanji trying his best to will himself to sing, instead of choking himself on Zoro's dick and three goddamn penis piercings.

Towards the end of the most torturous Bink's Sake in the cook's life, a miracle happened. A fucking musical miracle. As the last of the 'yohohoho'-s rang through the apartment oh so mirthfully, the marimo's cock finally came loose, and Chopper could pull Sanji away from Zoro's groin at long last.

"Yay! I'll go tell the guys that we won't be needing the saw anymore!" Chopper giggled, then in a row of apologies, made his way back downstairs.

"Saw?! Phe-fucking-hew..." Zoro threw his head back onto the mattress, knowing nothing better to do than laugh.

"Holy fucking shitty goddamn rotten shit...!" Figures. As soon as Sanji could catch his breath, the first thing to come out of his mouth was a curse.

The crowd, nevertheless began to cheer for him, hollering and clapping hands. It didn't last long, however. Weak in the knees from relief, Sanji sat down on the bed. Or would have, if Zoro hadn't been in the way, so he fell ass-first onto the swordsman's face instead. And that had foreseeable consequences...

"Get your stinkin' ass off my face, shit-cook!" Zoro helped Sanji off him and onto the bed. Not so gently.

"Shut the fuck up, shitty marimo!" The underwear with hearts on it still around his ankle flapped widly as Sanji stood up on the mattress. "I'm gonna cut your dick off for this! This was all your fault!"

"_My_ fault?!" The swordsman hopped up into standing on the bed, too. "_You_ told me not to take them out, you kinky perverted bastard!"

"I did _not!_ You fucking liar!" The pair of boxers was flying majestically in the air with the blond's kick aimed to Zoro's head. "You humiliated me in front of Nami-swan, Vivi-chwan, Robin-chwan, Hancock-swan, Keimi-cwhan, Kaya-chwan..."

"In case you didn't know, they're _all_ still _here!_" Zoro ducked from the kick, trying to land a blow of his fist to the cook's face. "Watching your naked balls bouncing about!"

"That's what _you're_ watching, you shitty grass-brained pervert!" It was Sanj dodging this time, jumping back and off from the bed, with Zoro launching himself right after him.

"Say that again, fucking dart-brow ero-cook, and I'll pierce your ass with my swords!"

The others were observing the wonders of wildlife on display for a while, some laughing and some just stiff with shock. Coby and Usopp were hugging each other while they cried, and Nami was taking pictures with the digital camera she had stolen from Johnny. For blackmail material, of course.

"Great, who wants to sing Bink's Sake once more? Yohohohoho~"

Brook hollered with his hands in the air, and made his way into the living room, the partyers cheering to the suggestion and following him out of the bedroom.

"I want cake!" Luffy chirped, and that, too, earned the mass's approval.

Franky gathered the gigglers, photographers and sobbers under his arms, and with a chuckle, Robin closed the door behind all of them, onto the two fighting idiots.

It was just to hope that they wouldn't need to call old man Smoker again because of them. Neither due to them probably breaking everything in the room, and nor because of their make-up sex on the ruins.

**END**


End file.
